i am not ready.

things are happening... things are changing... and i don't know how i should feel or what i should do.
i have been moving a lot lately, but my mind has stayed stationary.

i miss going to places i never knew there were, i miss seeing things i never knew existed, (in my mind, in my mind)

i miss floating and sinking, into clouds of nothingness, i miss disappearing and re-appearing, in darkness and in light, (all in my mind, all in my mind)

i miss the friend who only i had, and his name was what my name wasn't (because i never liked my own name enough)  and he'd come and go, and go and come (my imaginary friend, and his name was bob)

i miss the feeling i got when i would fly, and i would be free
and the blue sky would always be blue,
and the blue ocean would always be blue.

i miss the imagination, i miss the curiosity,
i miss the happiness, i miss being alive,
i miss being a kid.

(in 2 weeks' time, i will not be a boy anymore, and i am not ready to be a man, not yet and i haven't been for quite a while)

365 days of inbetween-ness, thoughtfulness and thoughtlessness, dreams and day dreams, sleepless nights and sleepy days, getting lost and being found, running away and coming back home, living life and dying inside, silence and noise, making friends and loosing friends, fitting in and standing out, forgetting and remembering, accepting and denying,
eyes wide open and eyes shut close, skins and freckles and gold and beauty.

म १७ बर्ष भएको ३६५ दिन चाडै सकिदै छन।
म ठुलो हुनको लागि तयार छैन।
(I AM NOT READY TO GROW UP JUST YET.)