bright eyes

10:14 pm - its been a few hours or so that we had started our journey from wherever to back home and the darkness has called upon a clear sky and cold wind to accompany the restless. ofcourse you wouldn't feel the difference inside the metal you call a car, when you are half awake and half asleep, in between checking with the tomtom for answers you wish it would give, and in between weary eyes and tired carcass of flesh and bones. the night seemed to go on forever and so did the way back home.

10:57 pm - i sink into a lucid dream. i have lost you and you can't find me. we have lost us. i come back to life. we have missed an exit. "Take the exit. Take the exit." but its too late. our minds had had too much to take and you weren't listening and i wasn't looking. we are not going home anymore. this road has taken us nowhere. we really have lost us this time.

11:29 pm - i dont think and you dont speak. my eyelids are heavy and i cant carry its weight for long. i close and open and close. somewhere in my mind i hear the sound of an engine roaring against the motorway concrete. i fall into black and the distant echoes of a voice brings me into consciousness. 'bruce springsteen - i'm on fire' reads my mp3 player and my ears are numb from the music i didnt know i was listening to.

"Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my soul"


12:01 am - i am running out of air and i forget to breathe for a second. i open the car window and let the wind gush into my lungs. i take out my hand and feel the 80mph wind on my skin. it tickles my bones and the flesh is as cold as ice. they are not my hands anymore. i am not me. i am now a ship. its not dark anymore, the lights flash like daybreak. i am now awake with bright eyes.

01:42 am - "You have reached your destination."

thoughts and whispers in my head

okay i sort of had an internet breakdown a few days ago and decided to shut myself from the world (so to speak). emotions take the better of me and i say things i don't mean and i wish i could take them back. i do things i wish i didn't do and i wish i could change them if i could, but i can't. i've pretty much restored the blog to whatever it was like before and deleted the seriously negative post i did with shaky fingers and with million train wrecks and supernovas in my mind. i keep things to myself most of the time and am never comfortable talking about well stuffs(?) to other people and sometimes i feel like i'm going to explode because there's so much i need to say and sometimes i'm not able to contain myself. so let me explode once in a while, i find talking to the computer screen strangely comforting anyway...

this past week i've been doing a lot of thinking because i am never truly happy with myself. i find unimagineable faults in myself and am never good enough regardless of what i do. i have been fostering a black hole inside of me and all it does is pull and pull and i get caught up so easily. i dont want all of this negativity and self loathing inside of me anymore. i worry too much and i blame myself even for the things that are out of my control and i delve too much into what ifs and maybes. it scares me to know that i had been living in the past for so long, digging for lost memories, breathing with head under water filled with guilt and what not. you know things are bad when you feel sorry for yourself and thats exactly what happened to me. but not anymore. i'm done being sorry.

i am slowly but surely beginning to be content with myself and accept my weaknesses. i've learnt to not listen to the voice at the back of my head that constantly tries to bring me down. i've learnt to accept my mistakes and get over the ones that weren't my fault. i've learnt to not let myself be disheartened by failures and to always keep trying. i've learnt to let myself celebrate the little accomplishments that may not matter, but to me they do and will. other than that, i've also started working out and eating healthy because i have always been self conscious about me being so skinny but never really did anything about it till now. thanks to super high metabolism i've never been able to gain any weight and that has really bothered me for quite a while now. in my attempt to not be just a rag of bones, i'd stuff myself with so much junk. i'm scared that my head didnt register the fact that just because something doesn't make me fat, doesnt make me immune to heart diseases and stuff.

growing up as a child, i was always in and out of hospitals with all sorts of diseases and infections and i remember one time i had jaundice and i couldnt eat anything except for gilo bhat or bread for 3 months. although my health has gotten a lot better since the last few years, and can happily say i can count the number of hospital visits in the past 3 years in my fingers, i can't believe i let myself forget what could have happened if i carried on. i could not see what i was doing to myself just because i didn't want to be skinny. so no more reckless eating. hello protein, carbohydrates, vitamins and dairy :) for the workouts, i've focused on the core for now in order to build my strength and resistance. i don't have fancy gym equipments and i've never been good at sports anyway so i am going to visit the gym at college when we're back and hopefully it will be something i do regularly.

on other news, being the 10th time or so that i deleted my facebook, i've yet again discovered that you suddenly find yourself with so much time in your hands you question what you had been doing all this time. its great for keeping in touch with friends and making new ones but i'm rarely the one who says "hey, whatsup?" or something along the lines of that and seeing the number of friend requests i have so fearfully left untouched makes me wonder if i really need to be on facebook. the answer is obviously no, so i'm going to keep not existing on facebook for a little while until i get everything sorted. talking about which...

with college starting again in less than 3 days and with so much homework to do, personal statement to write and the worst of them all, a 5000 word essay for my extended project, i could really do with some extra time... well if only i didn't have so many pictures to retouch! and none of them for my personal work (sigh). magaret, a lovely lady from the place where i worked this summer retired last week and i took pictures for her retirement day. i still need to edit those and send to her and everyone else. on saturday, i shot 1000+ pictures for 8+ hours at our gauley part and that took endless hours and sleepless nights in front of the computer screen. i've completed those now but i'd be happier if i finished another set of pictures i've been taking over the past month to make for a retirement gift for sue, our lovely manager in the charity shop i work at. she retires on friday and so i really need to finish and print those soon! on top of that i still need to retouch the pictures i took of valinda didi and also of the puppet show the teenagers at teen scene did way back in july! (procrastination to the max!) so i guess that pretty much explains why i havent been uploading any new pictures because i havent been able to spare the time for that, and also my mind for the matter...

i do have some ideas that i want to take pictures of but i cant seem to be able to get myself to just pick up my camera and shoot. knowing that people actually look forward to seeing my pictures, i feel like i'm under so much pressure to always have to take amazing pictures, and better than the last ones and i do want to be able to give back something to those who've been so supportive all this time, i just feel that anything i am not completely satisfied with, i shouldn't upload, because you guys deserve so much better. but although this makes sure i am always working hard, its not really why i started photography. i used to do this for myself. the moments i create and memories i capture were for my own and no matter how amazing it is to be able to share those with so many others, i can't help but wish i could go back to having it only for myself again, and to take pictures for my own happiness and my own judgements. i've decided that not every picture i take should be aimed for perhaps a portfolio that might never even be,as i'm not even aiming to be a professional photographer. but then thats a subject that i will talk about in future blog posts for i have talked too much today. i wouldn't think anyone in the right mind would read all of this but thank you to anyone who did! do comment and let me know if i should do more posts like this where its just me talking about stuffs, or you know some poetry or mini proses because i have convinced myself noone wants to read the words i jumble in my head and in paper and in the keyboard and i want to be proven wrong.