i try so hard to keep up with the fleeting moments of my life just drifting away like sand in the wind, hoping to stop time and cage happiness so i could keep it forever, and i have taken a million happy pictures of me, with my lover, my family, my friends, even strangers. sometimes without me, but always there in thoughts, behind the camera, without the camera, and sometimes without happiness, and sometimes in my nightmares, without me, or without them.
my biggest fear is forgetting the people i love, and even more so, being forgotten by them.
all these fears i've tried to keep safe in the nothingness of a picture, and lately in the numbness of a gentle smile, and in the quietness of a shy but assured "it's okay, it's okay". if i keep saying so, i will eventually fall for it. someone once said, "a person who has good thoughts can never be ugly" and so i think good thoughts. i think how beautiful this world is, how glad i am to be alive, all these faces that i know and love, and all these smiles. but i hear distant voices, and some sound like me, and i'm not saying nice things. these thoughts aren't good. i don't want to be ugly, i want to be beautiful. i want to think of good thoughts but these thoughts don't make me feel so. i havent felt much at all lately.
i used to feel happy, and sad, and overjoyed, and devastated, and euphoric, and angry and alive. now i feel i am nothing but a carcass, but i dont know it yet.
flesh and bones and skin.
i guess it's atleast one thing that i still feel. i still smile, i still get upset, i still frown, i still laugh, and maybe i even cry for silly things, like a little child who didnt get his candy.
(big boys don't cry.)
but i dont feel any of it.
i don't know anything, except that i am tired and this nothingness is slowly but surely wearing me down. there's a void in me, and lately i feel so vacant, so hollow. i have a mind, a heart, a body, a soul, yet i feel so empty.
somewhere within me, i am hurt, and somewhere i am sad, but somewhere i am happy too, but i dont know it yet. the time is not right yet.
a week left till my exams finish, and maybe then. maybe a week later, if i let myself feel again. for now, i am running and am not quite sure what from or where from or where to or who to. i don't even know why. one thing i do know is that i have to stop. i am just not ready yet.
i've already said my goodbyes, but i'm not quite sure if i'm ready yet.
today i bathed in light and took pictures of a boy. i thought he looked just like me, but i pretended that i didn't notice.
its now four in the morning. i can hear birds chirping in a melodious harmony, maybe they are trying to sing me to sleep, while the rest of the world wakes. it has been a long day. my thoughts are fading.
good morning. sweet dreams.