but i am only human,

"i've forgotten how to be happy"
"dont ask. dont expect."

the things you ask of me i cannot fulfill.

i am selfish and i want to be loved, and so i expect things from you, i expect stolen memories and moments in time that no longer exist, but in my mind they do, and some they never happened, but in my mind they did.

and i guess its okay but is it really?
what does it matter to her if he still forgets to remember?
and i guess its okay but is it too much to ask still?

your face is washed out by the sand and dust and there are things i barely remember and some i don't at all.

i am always drowning and falling and going backwards and moving in circles and doing it all over again, everyday.

i swam once and i flew once and i had moved on once and i had made a square once (i was you, and you were me and we were both the same on all sides)
what i did once, i cannot do it twice.

the walls i've built in around me are far too tall, and wide and i cannot break through.
disappointment finds me in curious ways.

all this time i was keeping you caged in my mind, and i didnt let you drown, and i didnt let you leave, because we were there in my mind, and we were once in love, in my mind.

i am letting you go.
love, be free.

dont make a promise if you can't keep it.
i forgive you.
i'll forget you.

chop and change

this wasn't planned or anything. we were only just preparing his look for the n+m shoot and a few shots turned into an hour long shoot without us even realising. this week has been very productive. i went to london to shoot with some really cool people and i couldn't be happier with the outcomes. i have many pictures to show you all :) i haven't yet got a chance to go through some other shoots i had done a few weeks ago but once i do so, i will definitely upload those here soon.


nawal and merina who i can always count on for beautiful pictures.
they are not lovers.

ps: title inspired by the real n+m
pps: happy birthday to me.

distant echoes and faded memories

i wish i had lived when the beatles lived.

edit: i did this post in a hurry so i didn't have time to write much about it and i only just remembered. i have had this idea for a long time but when i did it i cant say i was impressed by the outcome. running back and forth on self timer trying to fit in a suitcase within 10 seconds was definitely not my best skill and after about two hours and 400 unsatisfying pictures i just gave up, so i will definitely reshoot this idea with a model and have thought of a few changes which i think will better show this concept (to depict a journey. ps: the pictures on the suitcase are the pictures from my first few shoots! hint hint ;)) on other news i've got a job now so the few free hours i get i spend sleeping and reading for EP and on facebook (i should be ashamed!) i still have tons of pictures i havent even started editing yet and there's so many ideas i want to shoot but in the mean time work is taking priority. i also chose to do an extended project over the summer about which im not really sure anymore. a 5000 word essay about autism which i havent even started yet seems likely to fail but lets see how that goes. hopefully, i'll be able to have a decent essay by the end of summer and also some new shoots (which involve mirrors, red threads, ceramic masks, a guitar in mid air, butterflies, newspapers, roses, a vintage picnic, and teenagers on the loose).
hope everyone is having a great time :)

disposable memories

some pictures i took a few months ago with a disposable camera. i only edited the colours of the first and the last picture and just tweaked the sharpness/contrast of the others.

i wish i had a film camera.

breathe in, breathe out

as it might be fairly obvious from the recent pictures, lately i've been obsessed with closed eyes. these pictures and the ones from the previous post were taken when i went to oxford last weekend. i always take my tripod with me so i can do some selfportraits there but this time i forgot to do so. but luckily i met this dai and he happily agreed to let me photography him. so i guess i did the right thing by forgetting the tripod otherwise i would have just taken pictures of myself (sad i know :P) since we hadn't planned it beforehand there wasnt much we could do about the styling but overall im quite pleased :)

if i lay here...

 ... would you lie with me and just forget the world?

perfect timing

 its not that i dont take any other pictures except portraits. its just that i don't think they are good/different/special enough to upload. i think i'll upload pictures like these more often. pardon my awful cloning on the swan. oh and i just happened to realise that swans are (if not the most) one of the most elegant creatures. i edited these in photoshop. i now know a little bit more on which buttons to click for what (yay)
hope everyone's enjoying the sun. i'll definitely post some new works as soon as i get around to edit them. i start work on monday so i'm a bit nervous. i hope i dont get fired in the first week :/
ps: i heard the song in the iphone ad and i love it!

i am not ready.

things are happening... things are changing... and i don't know how i should feel or what i should do.
i have been moving a lot lately, but my mind has stayed stationary.

i miss going to places i never knew there were, i miss seeing things i never knew existed, (in my mind, in my mind)

i miss floating and sinking, into clouds of nothingness, i miss disappearing and re-appearing, in darkness and in light, (all in my mind, all in my mind)

i miss the friend who only i had, and his name was what my name wasn't (because i never liked my own name enough) 
and he'd come and go, and go and come (my imaginary friend, and his name was bob)

i miss the feeling i got when i would fly, and i would be free
and the blue sky would always be blue,
and the blue ocean would always be blue.

i miss the imagination, i miss the curiosity,
i miss the happiness, i miss being alive,
i miss being a kid.

(in 2 weeks' time, i will not be a boy anymore, and i am not ready to be a man, not yet and i haven't been for quite a while)

365 days of inbetween-ness, thoughtfulness and thoughtlessness, dreams and day dreams, sleepless nights and sleepy days, getting lost and being found, running away and coming back home, living life and dying inside, silence and noise, making friends and loosing friends, fitting in and standing out, forgetting and remembering, accepting and denying,
eyes wide open and eyes shut close, skins and freckles and gold and beauty.

म १७ बर्ष भएको ३६५ दिन चाडै सकिदै छन।
म ठुलो हुनको लागि तयार छैन।

you shine brighter than light

on the same day as the previous one. i know they are not as good and i had almost decided not to upload these because i worry too much (that i am not good enough). i need to remind myself time and again that i take pictures only for myself, and not to please someone else. see the rest of the pictures that i haven't uploaded here, in my deviantart gallery. thank you pritty, angshu, sujita and momo :)

lol i am such a slave driver. loved the fact that they happily 'obeyed' :P. yay for hardworking friends who can stand my winging and complaining :D
note to self: dont get used to it.