thoughts and whispers in my head

okay i sort of had an internet breakdown a few days ago and decided to shut myself from the world (so to speak). emotions take the better of me and i say things i don't mean and i wish i could take them back. i do things i wish i didn't do and i wish i could change them if i could, but i can't. i've pretty much restored the blog to whatever it was like before and deleted the seriously negative post i did with shaky fingers and with million train wrecks and supernovas in my mind. i keep things to myself most of the time and am never comfortable talking about well stuffs(?) to other people and sometimes i feel like i'm going to explode because there's so much i need to say and sometimes i'm not able to contain myself. so let me explode once in a while, i find talking to the computer screen strangely comforting anyway...

this past week i've been doing a lot of thinking because i am never truly happy with myself. i find unimagineable faults in myself and am never good enough regardless of what i do. i have been fostering a black hole inside of me and all it does is pull and pull and i get caught up so easily. i dont want all of this negativity and self loathing inside of me anymore. i worry too much and i blame myself even for the things that are out of my control and i delve too much into what ifs and maybes. it scares me to know that i had been living in the past for so long, digging for lost memories, breathing with head under water filled with guilt and what not. you know things are bad when you feel sorry for yourself and thats exactly what happened to me. but not anymore. i'm done being sorry.

i am slowly but surely beginning to be content with myself and accept my weaknesses. i've learnt to not listen to the voice at the back of my head that constantly tries to bring me down. i've learnt to accept my mistakes and get over the ones that weren't my fault. i've learnt to not let myself be disheartened by failures and to always keep trying. i've learnt to let myself celebrate the little accomplishments that may not matter, but to me they do and will. other than that, i've also started working out and eating healthy because i have always been self conscious about me being so skinny but never really did anything about it till now. thanks to super high metabolism i've never been able to gain any weight and that has really bothered me for quite a while now. in my attempt to not be just a rag of bones, i'd stuff myself with so much junk. i'm scared that my head didnt register the fact that just because something doesn't make me fat, doesnt make me immune to heart diseases and stuff.

growing up as a child, i was always in and out of hospitals with all sorts of diseases and infections and i remember one time i had jaundice and i couldnt eat anything except for gilo bhat or bread for 3 months. although my health has gotten a lot better since the last few years, and can happily say i can count the number of hospital visits in the past 3 years in my fingers, i can't believe i let myself forget what could have happened if i carried on. i could not see what i was doing to myself just because i didn't want to be skinny. so no more reckless eating. hello protein, carbohydrates, vitamins and dairy :) for the workouts, i've focused on the core for now in order to build my strength and resistance. i don't have fancy gym equipments and i've never been good at sports anyway so i am going to visit the gym at college when we're back and hopefully it will be something i do regularly.

on other news, being the 10th time or so that i deleted my facebook, i've yet again discovered that you suddenly find yourself with so much time in your hands you question what you had been doing all this time. its great for keeping in touch with friends and making new ones but i'm rarely the one who says "hey, whatsup?" or something along the lines of that and seeing the number of friend requests i have so fearfully left untouched makes me wonder if i really need to be on facebook. the answer is obviously no, so i'm going to keep not existing on facebook for a little while until i get everything sorted. talking about which...

with college starting again in less than 3 days and with so much homework to do, personal statement to write and the worst of them all, a 5000 word essay for my extended project, i could really do with some extra time... well if only i didn't have so many pictures to retouch! and none of them for my personal work (sigh). magaret, a lovely lady from the place where i worked this summer retired last week and i took pictures for her retirement day. i still need to edit those and send to her and everyone else. on saturday, i shot 1000+ pictures for 8+ hours at our gauley part and that took endless hours and sleepless nights in front of the computer screen. i've completed those now but i'd be happier if i finished another set of pictures i've been taking over the past month to make for a retirement gift for sue, our lovely manager in the charity shop i work at. she retires on friday and so i really need to finish and print those soon! on top of that i still need to retouch the pictures i took of valinda didi and also of the puppet show the teenagers at teen scene did way back in july! (procrastination to the max!) so i guess that pretty much explains why i havent been uploading any new pictures because i havent been able to spare the time for that, and also my mind for the matter...

i do have some ideas that i want to take pictures of but i cant seem to be able to get myself to just pick up my camera and shoot. knowing that people actually look forward to seeing my pictures, i feel like i'm under so much pressure to always have to take amazing pictures, and better than the last ones and i do want to be able to give back something to those who've been so supportive all this time, i just feel that anything i am not completely satisfied with, i shouldn't upload, because you guys deserve so much better. but although this makes sure i am always working hard, its not really why i started photography. i used to do this for myself. the moments i create and memories i capture were for my own and no matter how amazing it is to be able to share those with so many others, i can't help but wish i could go back to having it only for myself again, and to take pictures for my own happiness and my own judgements. i've decided that not every picture i take should be aimed for perhaps a portfolio that might never even be,as i'm not even aiming to be a professional photographer. but then thats a subject that i will talk about in future blog posts for i have talked too much today. i wouldn't think anyone in the right mind would read all of this but thank you to anyone who did! do comment and let me know if i should do more posts like this where its just me talking about stuffs, or you know some poetry or mini proses because i have convinced myself noone wants to read the words i jumble in my head and in paper and in the keyboard and i want to be proven wrong.


  1. You write so beautifully, Gyan!
    And fret not even I, too, have been fostering a black hole inside me for long. Tastes bitter & sweet. I hope all goes well for you. Cheers, mate!


  2. You learn the most from the difficult phases of your life. When you hit rock bottom, you cant go any further, you can only come up.

    Hopefully there'll be happy days ahead. Do care about what people want, however ''if you only give the mass what they want then art never progressess'' - thats what Jharana B said. Live by that, do your own thing.


  3. the only ones that you think are normal are the ones you dont know well :) everyone has these days. i have plenty! but then with the higher force, it all works out beuatifully in the end. :) i will pray for u

  4. Trust. You're not the only one whose felt a black hole. I feel you 100 %. It's horrible, and especially suffering from anxiety, it's the most horrible thing one can ever imagine.

    The things we love however help us to find ourselves. The only way I know how to find myself is when I write, so I encourage you to keep writing. This was a deep post, and I absolutely love reading about people's feelings.

    Dark, gray days are almost a given, but getting out of them is the most important. :)

    Can one say they are ever, really truly content with themselves or their lives? I find it hard to believe.

    Big Hug

  5. Hi gyan
    i have been searching you all over the internet
    if im nt lying my computer shows gyan gurung
    if i type just your first word G
    and i was rushing to read your blog well, i was disapointed when i found your blog with viruses [you know what i mean]
    i have been going with same phase life seems unfair and i have been using [fck n shit] quite a long time..and about your diseases you wont believe what i have been through there are numbers of people lying on hospital beds fighting to be with their loved might nt even count in your hard working fingers whenever it clicks, clicks the camera button in such a way that we cannot stop praising you . its just your thinking alot just like me. i got typhoid 1 year back i was hospitalized for 1 week [ non-stop ] supplying water through my healthy nerves, i forgot the right word[sorry] :D my heart pains,brain nerves infected, my left hand ignoring everything[no feelings] p.s im young haha ;)

    and yes medicine didnt workk so had to inject :( daily . i didnt walk for a month and after my recovery i forgot to walk haha and yes lets nt forgt that i forgot to write as well . it was years back . see im still alive? i thought i wont see tomorrow which i am living now:)
    I believe GYAN is
    MY personal best photographer and writer
    as well as Human Being:)
    Cheer up GYAN
    read our comments hope this makes you alright.
    *****FIGHTINGGGGGG *****
    p.s.s did i mention about reading all your above letters ? :P
    takecare stay healthy


  7. thank you so so much nita, lex and chika for your kind words :) and the two anonymous people as well i wish you'd make yourself known :( so sorry to hear about your story but glad to know you're better now :)

  8. im not sure if im supposed to read this since im just a random person from dA (thinkfastboom93) who happens to follow your blog and da(although you don't update) for your photography updates
    but i hope you feel better :0!!!
    its really great that you started attempting in fixing your problems such as your health and stuff :D!! hopefully someday i'll also learn to accept my weakness cause a lot of times i feel like that too D: i always seem to attack myself with my failures D: never consider my accomplishments. but after reading this post, i feel more inspired to quit that habit
    and sorry again if im not supposed to read this lol D: >_> sometimes i like reading this stuff

  9. Gyan You are WRONG! hehe
    it was not bit confusing as I read along.
    Ah~ so tht is the story behind leaving fb. Procrastination; surely not a great idea.

    I esp. liked it how you are missing those moments where you took pictures that you felt like, tht runs through your imagination and so forth...
    I liked it :) i hope we continue to see Gyan's own too... soon

    And ah so gyan seems to be pretty tensed;hope you will get accustomed to feeling that: Mistakes are there so, that you will learn from it and not do it the next time. Think Positive, live a healthy life and yes Go to the GYm!! hehe

    sorry long comm.
    btw this is Iksa ^^ (although there)
    namaste haha

  10. hi @pressmeetsimmortal i didnt know you were from dA! i remember you now :) you always used to comment and have supported me all the way im so happy you follow me on here as well :) i'll update deviantart as well sometimes i miss the kind and supportive people like you from there :( oh and ofcourse you're meant to read it its for anyone who comes to my blog otherwise i wouldn't have written it in the first place :P
    im so glad i inspired you in some way im not perfect either and im still learning everyday. i'm finally starting to be happy i'm sure you will be too :)

    @iksa hehe i know im so bad i always keep things to the very last minute i'm actually editing some pictures atm so will post them soon as they're done im gonna do a small prose to go with it as well so will take some time :)

  11. we all will be waiting :D


  12. Too much thinking… it can be like double edged sword. It depends on how to view it. Incoherent thoughts can lead to madness or genuineness, though there is a very thin line that separates them. The trick is to watch your thoughts flow and not get washed away with it. It’s like; you walk on the banks of the river of your thoughts.

    It is therapeutic to punch in the keyboard till your mind becomes blank ;) But I would rather see more of your beautiful pictures. This is however my personal opinion. And all the best for your college days and the loooong essay. Stay happy, stay creative!


  13. you have been proven wrong!!!
    While I was reading I felt like you were reading my mind. It is good to know that there is someone in the boat with you. Keep writing. Cheers :)

  14. Hello Gyan Dai

    I have been following your blog for sometime and I really like all of your work. Your pictures plus your writings.

    And I dunno if its okay if I write in what I think about your writing... But what I think is , you can go back to doing photography and everything just for yourself. Yes, for yourself only. Like you said you did at first.
    You needn't worry about the viewers or other ppl. You should ( not a "should" exactly, you know, but what I'd wish you to do) just go on doing stuff that you like and make your own judgements. Because, what YOU feel is what's most important.

    And congratulations on switching to healthy food and exercise. That was so nice to read !

    Plus, um, I think you may already know it, but I felt like saying this too. there's this book called "The Secret" which I was gifted and it kind of turns everything around . (Although admittedly , I sometimes wish I had not read it because it has affected me so deeply I cannot dwell on a negative thought for as long as I want to . But that's a trifling compared to how much good the book's taught me. )

    So maybe I would like you to read the book too. It's just a book. And could get un-interesting. .. but it's worth a lifetime , which apparently there's only one...

    keep smiling :-)

    Longtalking anonymous

    PS I like both reading and staring at yours posts . :D

  15. PPS The Secret by Rhonda Byrne

  16. you guys are so so kind thank you for taking the time to read and comment :)
    this feels like a long time ago and i havent felt like that since then so its a good sign, although im not the happiest person, im just okay, which is okay for me :)
    i'm changing as a person and so my photography style is changing as well. im glad im starting to not be so serious about taking the perfect pictures, rather im taking pictures that will mean something for me or someone else and thats what keeping me going.
    thank you again rosie and anons :) i will definitely read the book when i get time thank you for suggesting
    do leave your name next time you comment :)

  17. Gyan gurung!

    u might b wondering whus dis!
    yess we met on hi5.we talked we became frens nd suddenly u r gone or more lyk hi5 is gone !
    we r frens in facebook but we rarely talk..or shall i say we dont even talk!
    but u can count me as one of ur fans. The photos u take r just awesome..i cant stop wowing evrytime i see it!!
    nd the way u write gyan!
    ur writing really inspired me.!!

    btw its Anuja if u still remember!

  18. anuja of course i still remember you! (even though its been ages we havent really talked) thank you very much for your support and your kind words :):)