god that was strange to see you again...

(what's more strange is that i come across songs for every story i have to say and every feeling i need to express and what's less strange is that you are not going to understand this. the one who is meant to do so, will.)

i thought i was ready. i had prepared myself well for i knew i would see you again. i don't know why but i had a feeling and i was right, but then, i was wrong. i don't know my own weaknesses and strengths i am still yet to discover. i thought the chapter had ended and there was nothing more to follow, but then again, i was wrong. it felt weird, god it felt strange. like i was seeing you for the very first time again, like it was the last time i would ever see you, but not quite, there were questions left unanswered and hushed voices and stories untold.

i needed to be near you, i needed to hear your voice and i needed you to say something to me. smiles are for people you think you know, but you don't, and smiles are for those you want to ignore and not have to speak to, smiles are for those you care but smiles are also for those you forget, and not remember again. therefore, i needed to talk to you, because your smile meant a lot of things to me and so i don't smile back, and so i keep looking, and so i keep hoping to catch you looking at me again, not for just a quarter of a second, but more than that and so you did, and so i came to talk to you.

it wasn't how i had planned it to be like. i had gone through this a number of times in my head. say something clever, say something unusual, anything but a hello, anything but 'sanchai chau?' and my mind was blank. words i thought i knew weren't there anymore and instead there was emptiness and everything was a blur and i fought to grasp just one from inside the blackhole swirling in my mind, and after all i did end up saying 'sanchai chau?'

i had things to say to you, things to hear from you. stories to tell and memories to relive but i was afraid, and i didn't want to take too much of your time and yet i did. i was happy, but i wasn't, content but not completely. i wish i had said more, or heard more from you. i wish i wasn't angry or jealous and i wish i was a tad bit more cheerful and tad less distracted. if you know me well i was only trying to seem like i was unaffected by you, but i wasn't and i knew even though i hadn't seen you or heard from you for a very long time, i would never cease to be amazed by you, but not in the same way like i used to be, because this time i knew my place and i knew yours far too well. i guess i was only just happy to see you again, i wish i would have shown it to you but my ego wouldn't let me.

i can't remember the things i didn't want to forget. i can't remember the songs i was going to sing for you, or the pictures i would take of you but i do remember that i don't want us to become strangers. i won't see you or talk to you for a very long time, and i will have forgetten the things you said, or the promises i made. i will change and so will you and i guess both of our memories will get distorted and the times we spent together will sink to the bottom of the endless oceans within our minds. but if we meet again someday, lets sit down and lets talk. lets share stories of the people in our lives and the happiness we will have found with them. lets talk about our dreams and lets count the ones that we've made come true and the ones we are yet to turn into reality and the ones we are yet to dream of. lets take pictures, lets take happy pictures, of silly faces, awkward smiles, of times we forgot and times we still remember, lets take pictures of us and lets hope that thats how we remember eachother, if heaven forbids we never meet again.  

(but i know we will, sooner or later, so remember your stories and i'll remember mine. let me hear your thoughts and i'll let you in on my secrets. let me know that you've been good and i'll tell you of the mischiefs i've been part of. lets live our lives, lets make stories, lets fall in love, until we meet again my dear.)

1 comment:

  1. this is a beautiful piece of writing Gyanny!!