something i wrote a long time ago. i wasn't sure if i should post it or not, but seeing as i myself find it hard to remember when i actually wrote it, what was going on then, it doesn't mean much to me anymore. i'll probably post some of the few others i found if i can get over how cringy they make me feel now. funny how the same thing that made me sad yesterday, is making me laugh today. hello to you, whoever you are, i hope you are well :)
today i went for a walk in a long long time and it was almost five in
the evening. once again i slept throughout the day. in all honesty, i
only woke up because i was hungry.
i used to go for walks when i had to quieten my loud mind and be able
to think in peace for once. i’d walk and watch the cars pass me by and
i’d notice how the wind caressed the trees and how sunlight would linger
on me, and around me till it was no longer day.
it probably doesn’t mean
anything to anyone but to me these little things matter. these little
things keep the chaos in my mind almost manageable.
these days i can barely be with my own thoughts. i stopped going for
walks. i’d forgotten how the trees danced in the summer breeze. of
course it isn’t always summer, and the cool breeze is now howling wind.
the trees don’t dance anymore. they rage wars, naked with their leaves shed, and branches left bare to witness winter’s wrath.
i stood still for a minute looking at the tree that the wind swept back and forth.
i walked for almost an hour, stopping every now and then, as if to
examine what was around me. it’s the only time i don’t carry my camera
with me. sometimes i like to keep some things to the moment that it
belonged to, rather than capture it and keep it forever as photographs.
i walked past my old school. i thought of the friends i hadn’t seen
for a long time, friends i hadn’t spoken to for a while now. maybe i
should say hello one of these days.
i walked for almost an hour until i reached this land somebody owned
and during the day you would see horses grazing there. i’d never been
there during the night time before. i wish i had. i climbed the fence
that i’d always stop at and walked up the small hill stretching towards
the woods and watched the lights in the distant houses, and that of the
street lights, and the cars passing by in a nearby motorway.
i stretched my arms as if they were wings, and i ran. i could feel
the cold wind on my face and it filled my hollow ears till it’s screams
were the only thing i could hear.
i started laughing for no reason, and then, i started crying, and then, sobbing.
with lungs out of breath, i lied on the grass and it was freezing but
i didn’t care. i looked at the star-less night sky and whispered to the moon that she was beautiful.
i wiped off the tears, and i smiled. even though it was only
momentarily, i didn’t care about all the shit that i was going through
and all i could feel was how glad i was just to be alive.
today i didn’t walk back home. i danced.