Embarking on a journey to connect

A lot of the times, I find that we tend to base our happiness, growth or success on quantity. We are obsessed with numbers and we let it determine how we should feel about how good our life is. How many zero's do I have in my salary? How many targets did I hit? How much was I able to spend on nice clothes, nice things or eating at a nice restaurant? How much did I pay for my car? How many likes did I get on Facebook or Instagram? How many people swiped right? The list is endless.

Although these things may accurately represent how fulfilled your life is (bigger the number, the better) I want to implore you to scratch deeper. Lets start with salary or your job. If how much you earn determines your happiness, ask yourself why. Yes we need money to survive in the least, and then lead a comfortable life. Go beyond that reason. Being able to earn a living can give you both security and freedom. Which of the two motivates you? Putting in hard work, utilising your skills and solving problems- all parts of any job, are key things that give you a sense of accomplishment and purpose. What makes you feel content?

Do you know what you get out of, from what you do on a daily basis? Does your title or salary validate your self worth? Take that away, do you still value yourself the same way or has that made you question your worth? If it did not change anything for you, what are those things that you see in yourself that make you unequivocally YOU- who is as important as anyone else in the world? Where is your light coming from? Is it your kind and loving heart, your intelligent and creative mind, your authentic and deeply enriching soul? Is it your meaningful relationships you have cultivated in your life, your impact on the people around you, or merely your amazing resilience and conviction of yourself that allowed you to face any adversity?

Now lets flip the coin on the other side. Do you feel that you are now not as worthy as you were yesterday with your title? How much did you value yourself as A, B or C and how much do you value yourself as YOU? It is normal that we derive our sense of self worth by what we spend most of your days doing- our jobs. If you realise that, that was the only form of validation you allowed yourself to accept, ask yourself- what was, or what is it exactly that you get from it? Why does it matter? Is that all that matters? Surely not. Where else is your validation coming from- is it the people around you, your significant relationships? What is holding you back? What inside of you is dimming your light from shining? Or what outside of you is telling you how much you are worth? And if it is not your absolute best, why are you letting it chain you to the ground when you are meant for the skies?

A few months ago, I quit my job. Oscillating between feelings of freedom, moving on to a new chapter, the excitement of what the future would hold and then the dreaded worry over the uncertainty of the future, feeling stuck and mostly feeling like a failure- it sure brought ups and downs. Regarding my self worth- I begrudgingly discovered that despite having a positive outlook on the lessons learned, the impact (however small) that I made, and the sense of relief that whatever false validation I was giving myself, it was gone- I did feel like a failure and only then, I was able to see all of the fragile branches my self worth was hanging on to.

But in all of that, it brought me space- for me to breath, and for me to stop running from Task A to Task B and just be. It brought me my insecurities that I dusted off in a dark corner, my fears that I hid under the carpet and my sorrow, frustrations, heartbreaks and anger- ones I did not even know that I had within me, and ones that I previously did not allow myself to feel, to accept and to resolve- ones that I simply just moved on from, because that is who I am- forever looking forward, an eternal optimist.

So, why am I writing this post? Have I left my days of optimism behind? Do I now want to make everyone feel less than? Why else would anyone question your happiness, sense of achievement, sense of self worth? Well, there is no particular reason besides me wanting to share what has been on my mind recently. I have been asking a lot of these questions to myself, and many of the answers I find are not what I would want to hear or accept, but I am just beginning to learn (and slowly accept) that what makes me ME is how I truly feel, and not how I wish I felt. I am trying to find my light in this world and what are the things that make my light shine. More importantly, how can I help other lights shine too? 

I do not have an answer yet, but one thing I have discovered about what comes closest to making my light shine the brightest and in the process, help light up the others too- is through connecting. 

I am making it a purpose of my life- to connect with authenticity, with meaning, with beauty and with kindness. 

I am still unsure of what this might look like- what will I be doing on a daily basis? What will my goals be? What will I consider to be an achievement? I do not know but there's a quiet, assuring voice inside of me that is leading me on a path. It is all foggy and I can barely see ahead. I am very slow, and am held back by so much I am still yet to figure out. But I am willing to acknowledge that there is and will always be more to learn, and it will take some time to shed my fears, my perceived identities- and finally embrace my bare, authentic self that I know is abundant with love and warmth. 

This is my first step in my journey to connect with you. If you have read this far, start your own personal journey and join me alongside mine. I implore you to explore all the facets of who you are, why you are the way you are. Lets connect fully, and deeply!

With love,

Gyan.

Portraits for Nepal

I am teaming up with a group of photographers from around the world to use what we love doing to help rebuild Nepal. Several fundraising photo shoots will be taking place in Sydney, US, UK and Singapore in order to raise some funds for our chosen charities. 

You can find more information here: http://portraitsfornepal.koomai.net/

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On June 21st, I will be doing mini photo sessions all day in Farnborough. If you are interested, please email me at gyangurungphotography@gmail.com or send me a message on Facebook. It can be of you by yourself, with your partner, bestfriend, sibling, family or even your pet!

What you will receive: 30 minutes photo shoot & 3 edited pictures of your choice.

Cost: ALL of the funds collected will be donated, so I am putting down a suggested minimum donation of £30. You are more than welcome to give more if you wish to.

The money collected on the day will be donated to an organisation called 'Teach for Nepal'. 

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Education is something that I truly care about. It is sad that even in this day and age, so many people do not have access to a quality education. Teach for Nepal exists to tackle the astounding educational inequality students from government schools and remote areas face- whether it is the lack of resources or the shortage of qualified teachers in these schools.

This has been made so much worse by the earthquake. It is truly heartbreaking yet wonderful at the same time to hear that schools are now continuing to run in open grounds, and some teachers continuing to stay in their placements even if it meant having to live in a tent. 

You can find out relief efforts of Teach for Nepal so far here: http://nepalrelief.teachfornepal.org/.

Education is the key to not only bring back some sense of normalcy in the children's lives at the present, but also give them a fair chance at succeeding in their future, despite their backgrounds. 

So please get in touch! get your pictures taken and join me in helping this incredible organisation to continue making an impact on thousands of children's lives everyday!

in bloom and in decay

if you follow my facebook or twitter you will have known that i recently had an exhibition. it was alongside a bunch of other photographers, painters, illustrators, sculptors, musicians and fashion designers so it was very humbling and also exciting for me to find myself in company of so many other talented artists. i really enjoyed the whole experience and it was so great to have my pictures in an art gallery. thank you to everyone who came, it really meant a lot to me! i put up my pictures in the form of a little installation and had the description as a letter. i do apologise for the bad quality of the pictures. i did not have my camera with me so i had to resort to using my phone.

ramblings

i am in my own bed after months but i cannot fall asleep so i am staying up all night making pictures, listening to the wind and writing down stories of heartbreaks that seem to come and go in my head as disconnected thoughts. this song is not related at all but it makes me fucking happy.

(knock knock)

you woke me up in the middle of the night. eyes wide. you shivered and wept. hush, my dear boy, it was only a bad dream. your body was fire. i dare not imagine what horrors you witnessed. lord, be kind.

(knock knock)

dear child, you are still young. the grass in the marshes is taller than you. the river is too deep. you cannot cross. i never learnt how to swim.

(knock knock)

you are my flower boy. i am the thorns you chose to keep. i will keep you safe. i will watch you bloom.

(knock knock)

i told you my deepest secrets. i showed you my darkest fears. and your light could not shine bright enough. you held me in your arms. you did not whisper kind words to me, like you used to.

(knock knock)

you love your drugs more than you will ever love me. to be honest, i loved the idea of you more than i ever loved you anyway.

(knock knock)

you never came. i never waited long enough.

(knock knock, thud.)

THUD.

i do not have the key. you are a thief my lover. you’d break any lock if you wanted to. 

you broke me.

the day i danced

something i wrote a long time ago. i wasn't sure if i should post it or not, but seeing as i myself find it hard to remember when i actually wrote it, what was going on then, it doesn't mean much to me anymore. i'll probably post some of the few others i found if i can get over how cringy they make me feel now. funny how the same thing that made me sad yesterday, is making me laugh today. hello to you, whoever you are, i hope you are well :)

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today i went for a walk in a long long time and it was almost five in the evening. once again i slept throughout the day. in all honesty, i only woke up because i was hungry.

i used to go for walks when i had to quieten my loud mind and be able to think in peace for once. i’d walk and watch the cars pass me by and i’d notice how the wind caressed the trees and how sunlight would linger on me, and around me till it was no longer day.

it probably doesn’t mean anything to anyone but to me these little things matter. these little things keep the chaos in my mind almost manageable.

these days i can barely be with my own thoughts. i stopped going for walks. i’d forgotten how the trees danced in the summer breeze. of course it isn’t always summer, and the cool breeze is now howling wind.

the trees don’t dance anymore. they rage wars, naked with their leaves shed, and branches left bare to witness winter’s wrath.

i stood still for a minute looking at the tree that the wind swept back and forth.

i walked for almost an hour, stopping every now and then, as if to examine what was around me. it’s the only time i don’t carry my camera with me. sometimes i like to keep some things to the moment that it belonged to, rather than capture it and keep it forever as photographs.

i walked past my old school. i thought of the friends i hadn’t seen for a long time, friends i hadn’t spoken to for a while now. maybe i should say hello one of these days.

i walked for almost an hour until i reached this land somebody owned and during the day you would see horses grazing there. i’d never been there during the night time before. i wish i had. i climbed the fence that i’d always stop at and walked up the small hill stretching towards the woods and watched the lights in the distant houses, and that of the street lights, and the cars passing by in a nearby motorway.

i stretched my arms as if they were wings, and i ran. i could feel the cold wind on my face and it filled my hollow ears till it’s screams were the only thing i could hear.

i started laughing for no reason, and then, i started crying, and then, sobbing.

with lungs out of breath, i lied on the grass and it was freezing but i didn’t care. i looked at the star-less night sky and whispered to the moon that she was beautiful.

i wiped off the tears, and i smiled. even though it was only momentarily, i didn’t care about all the shit that i was going through and all i could feel was how glad i was just to be alive.

today i didn’t walk back home. i danced.

flightless bird, silent screams

this is my last post for the year so i almost feel obliged to write something. i haven't done that for a while. lately photography for me has become so personal that i dare not show it to anyone at all but i feel i have to. i must. i am most vulnerable in front of my camera, but i am learning to find strength in the fragile state it puts me in. all these pictures i am taking are all fragments of my memories, each with their own stories that i could not tell any other way. some i want to scream out loud to the whole world, at the top of my lungs. some i wish weren't mine to tell, but i am learning that i cannot always get what i want. i can't always be happy. i can't always be perfect. i can't always choose. so in whatever form these stories that have come to become mine, this year i have learnt to embrace them all, the good and the bad.

this year i felt like i lost myself countless times and it is as if i am constantly breaking into fragments and picking up the pieces, and becoming new again. it is as if i am climbing to the mountain top and falling to the bottom, time and time again. its all part of life i guess. i am growing up, and i am learning, and i am seeing, and i am giving and i am taking in. i am living.

2011 was the best and worst year of my life. 
i hope however your year was, you made the best out of it. i hope you leave the regrets with the passing year, and carry on with you the memories and the lessons that you learnt, so you know that whatever the new year turns out to be like, and whatever surprises it brings along with it, you are ready for it. you are ready to be grateful for the happiness and success and luck and love that i know you deserve and i hope you get. you are ready to face your fears, find strength in your weaknesses, and always, always learn, regardless of how endless the darkness is, regardless of how rocky the road is, regardless of how much the odds are against you, and luck does not favour you. you are ready to learn, and grow, and live.
happy new year to you!

bedtime lullabies

pictures of my baby nephew before bedtime.


 

 

 

 

a letter from me to me, a letter from me to you

there are certain things in my life that i would like if i had more control over but i don't and its all been a blur for the past few days and my mind has been spinning wildly and my heart has been restless, and its been skipping beats more than once and twice, especially so in the last few months, and even more so in the last few days. but for different reasons that i find very hard to put in words.

since the last three months or so, i have never been as happy as i have been in my entire life and i may not necessarily show it in the most conventional way and those who know me in real life probably don't see the difference anyway as i feel like i am always in a mood of constant euphoria and if you hear me say 'oh what a wonderful day today!' at the top of my lungs, it'll just be how i am normally. but what even those closest to me don't know is as much happiness i feel, i feel the same amount of sadness too, and i don't really show it mainly because i don't know how to and i am always so restless and i get distracted so easily and most times i dont understand why i'm sad or upset or what made me so and i forget and my face is a blank canvas and to me a smile is so much more beautiful than a frown, and i let myself be my own art and i become happy but it doesn't go away and i feel like i am only happy to hide that i am sad and i have been trying to understand myself for quite a while now and to some extent i feel i have, in light of recent events in my life.

you know there are those things that happen when you least expect, and something clicks in your brain, pieces fit together and in that moment, you understand, you realise, a seed of a thought, that maybe was always there but you never acknowledged it, and when its seen in the right light, from the right perspective, and you nurture it with acceptance and stop denying it within yourself, that thought becomes so much more, and what you do with it defines who you are. 

all my life i've felt like if there's anything or anyone i know well, its me. but for the last two years of my life, i had never felt more lost. i was a stranger in my own body, a stowaway in my own mind. all this time i'd been seeing myself how others would see me, what they wanted to see me as and how i would want to be seen as well. i fooled myself and i fell for it, but i was brought to my senses and it was like waking up from a very deep sleep, and i stopped trying to see, and i closed my eyes and i fell in love with eyes closed shut but i could still see and it was different and i was looking through someone else's eyes, and all the colours started to look so much more brighter, the skies were always the deepest blue and even the grey clouds could not hide away the sun for long, at least not in this new mind. and it was alien but i felt like i belonged, and happiness was a hundred times happier and i dreamt bigger than i could have ever dreamt of dreaming, and i sang songs i didn't even know i could sing. but the sadness was still there, not as much and as often as it used to be, but it was there and i could not understand why i felt sad and what i was sad about when i was so happy.

i saw life in a way i'd never seen before and i have seen the world with such beauty that i wish i could take a million pictures of how i saw it in my mind and you would not say a single word and all you could do is marvel at the sheer beauty of the miracle, this world we live in.

but for the past few days, the world never seemed uglier and i was so familiar with this, i had lived this way all my life and i knew this place far too well and i was trapped in it for so long that i thought that this was the only world. and i could no longer see from my lover's eyes and i felt like an alien when i was back in my own mind. all this time i was looking for myself and all this time i found myself in someone else's eyes but those eyes closed on me and when i couldn't see myself anymore, i got myself back but i couldn't recognise myself and i got scared and i was afraid of what i had become and how the sky didn't seem so blue anymore and like a wilted flower, i couldn't smile no matter how hard i tried. 

i realise now, that the reason i felt sad all along was because my happiness didnt come from myself, i always needed someone or something else to be my reason. i was scared to look for it in myself that i never tried. i never believed that i had it in me, but now i know better. and i do have it in me. and i am still sad but its a different kind of sadness and i have learnt to accept it, and i don't mind how i feel right now. i am happy and content with myself, atleast i think i am, and thats what matters to me. i have lost the piece i found that made me complete, that made sense to me but you know its fine, i'm fine. i understand i don't need to be 'complete' to be happy. i am still trying to gather pieces of me, and although i know there's a chunk of me missing and i may never get it back from the person i gave it to but i know its in safe hands and thats good enough for me. so here i am, and here's my story.

i've told you everything without saying anything at all. i have nothing to hide. i am happy and sad, high and low and i don't know whether to smile and laugh or break down and cry because i see these waves coming at me and we are drifting like islands, and gravity is shifting and its causing havoc in my mind and everything is either upside down or tilted sideways and i dont know where these waves are taking me but i know who i'll be when the sea becomes silent again and if i can't have the sun, i've still got the moon and the stars to see at night, and darkness isn't all that bad and no matter how wrong or deluded i maybe, being a misfitted puzzle piece and a floating island never felt more awesome!

i thank you for letting me see what you saw. i thank you for letting yourself see what i saw.

i've taken my rose tinted glasses off. and i thank myself for finally letting it happen, for finally saying and really believing that even though the sky isn't the deepest blue anymore, its still blue. the grass is less greener and i've forgotten the words to the songs i learnt but it only means that the grass needs more water and sunshine and i can always learn a different song thats as beautiful as anything ever could be.

 dear you, this is a picture of me. remember me. dear me, this is a picture of me. don't forget me.

ps: your song will always be yours and no one will ever take it.

just because, just because

but it is no longer dark now

and light passes through him like he's made of glass

and it dances in different colours,

and they are no longer shades of grey.

the warmth tingles his coat of ice

the frozen boy melts.

its twenty eleven guys!

i know a bit too late for the excitement but heyy its twenty eleven!!! so i was going to do a post with my favourite pictures i took in 2010 and some of them i hadnt uploaded anywhere before but then i changed my mind and decided to keep them until my website is released very very soon. here's some random pictures from my favourite shoot instead. we had so so much fun that day and even though we took many pictures that i'm very pleased with, i guess its the memories that make it more important for me rather than the pictures. regardless of how much i had to keep shouting (do i even have to say why? :P) and how much i moan everytime :P. i'm so lucky to have such awesome friends who painstakingly deal with the dictator i become when taking pictures and although they complain a lot (not as much as i do though) they do work so so hard and i am glad they do because not only i get memories like these but also beautiful photographs out of them.

   

this set of pictures show how my 2010 went and i have so many other happy memories in my mind and in my camera. ofcourse i had my downs as well but not nearly as much as the good times i had. hope you all had the same things too and hope you've had a wonderful start to this new year so far and i hope its going to be the same throughout the whole year.
i want to thank every one of you for being so so kind and supportive the past year, ever since i started taking pictures, and more so, since i started this blog. i really dont say it enough and i fear the world will know how soppy i can get but i just want to say i am truly thankful that you wonderful people take your time to see my pictures and even read the ramblings i manage to vomit and say all these unbelieveably nice things it makes me so so happy. i'd only picked up a camera just a little longer than a year ago and you guys have kept me going so far and have done wonders to my confidence and how much self belief i have in me and what kind of person i have become because of all the love you've given and i can't thank you enough. wait i thought i said i wouldnt torture you with my 'i loveeeyouuu guysss' speech *blows nose**wipes a few tears* :P i'm sorry i rambled a lot and wrote like a 5 year old and basically said the same thing over and over again. i really dont feel like going through what i've written to make sure its readable, oh wellz you get the jist right? you are awesome, therefore, i am awesome. there you go happy happy days to all :D

bright eyes

10:14 pm - its been a few hours or so that we had started our journey from wherever to back home and the darkness has called upon a clear sky and cold wind to accompany the restless. ofcourse you wouldn't feel the difference inside the metal you call a car, when you are half awake and half asleep, in between checking with the tomtom for answers you wish it would give, and in between weary eyes and tired carcass of flesh and bones. the night seemed to go on forever and so did the way back home.

10:57 pm - i sink into a lucid dream. i have lost you and you can't find me. we have lost us. i come back to life. we have missed an exit. "Take the exit. Take the exit." but its too late. our minds had had too much to take and you weren't listening and i wasn't looking. we are not going home anymore. this road has taken us nowhere. we really have lost us this time.

11:29 pm - i dont think and you dont speak. my eyelids are heavy and i cant carry its weight for long. i close and open and close. somewhere in my mind i hear the sound of an engine roaring against the motorway concrete. i fall into black and the distant echoes of a voice brings me into consciousness. 'bruce springsteen - i'm on fire' reads my mp3 player and my ears are numb from the music i didnt know i was listening to.

"Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my soul"

 

12:01 am - i am running out of air and i forget to breathe for a second. i open the car window and let the wind gush into my lungs. i take out my hand and feel the 80mph wind on my skin. it tickles my bones and the flesh is as cold as ice. they are not my hands anymore. i am not me. i am now a ship. its not dark anymore, the lights flash like daybreak. i am now awake with bright eyes.

01:42 am - "You have reached your destination."

but i am only human,

"i've forgotten how to be happy"

"dont ask. dont expect."

the things you ask of me i cannot fulfill.

i am selfish and i want to be loved, and so i expect things from you, i expect stolen memories and moments in time that no longer exist, but in my mind they do, and some they never happened, but in my mind they did.

and i guess its okay but is it really?

what does it matter to her if he still forgets to remember?

and i guess its okay but is it too much to ask still?

your face is washed out by the sand and dust and there are things i barely remember and some i don't at all.

i am always drowning and falling and going backwards and moving in circles and doing it all over again, everyday.

i swam once and i flew once and i had moved on once and i had made a square once (i was you, and you were me and we were both the same on all sides)

what i did once, i cannot do it twice.

the walls i've built in around me are far too tall, and wide and i cannot break through.

disappointment finds me in curious ways.

all this time i was keeping you caged in my mind, and i didnt let you drown, and i didnt let you leave, because we were there in my mind, and we were once in love, in my mind.

i am letting you go.

love, be free.

dont make a promise if you can't keep it.

i forgive you.

i'll forget you.

disposable memories

some pictures i took a few months ago with a disposable camera. i only edited the colours of the first and the last picture and just tweaked the sharpness/contrast of the others.

i wish i had a film camera.

perfect timing

 its not that i dont take any other pictures except portraits. its just that i don't think they are good/different/special enough to upload. i think i'll upload pictures like these more often. pardon my awful cloning on the swan. oh and i just happened to realise that swans are (if not the most) one of the most elegant creatures. i edited these in photoshop. i now know a little bit more on which buttons to click for what (yay)

hope everyone's enjoying the sun. i'll definitely post some new works as soon as i get around to edit them. i start work on monday so i'm a bit nervous. i hope i dont get fired in the first week :/

ps: i heard the song in the iphone ad and i love it!

i am not ready.

things are happening... things are changing... and i don't know how i should feel or what i should do.
i have been moving a lot lately, but my mind has stayed stationary.

i miss going to places i never knew there were, i miss seeing things i never knew existed, (in my mind, in my mind)

i miss floating and sinking, into clouds of nothingness, i miss disappearing and re-appearing, in darkness and in light, (all in my mind, all in my mind)

i miss the friend who only i had, and his name was what my name wasn't (because i never liked my own name enough)  and he'd come and go, and go and come (my imaginary friend, and his name was bob)

i miss the feeling i got when i would fly, and i would be free
and the blue sky would always be blue,
and the blue ocean would always be blue.

i miss the imagination, i miss the curiosity,
i miss the happiness, i miss being alive,
i miss being a kid.

(in 2 weeks' time, i will not be a boy anymore, and i am not ready to be a man, not yet and i haven't been for quite a while)

365 days of inbetween-ness, thoughtfulness and thoughtlessness, dreams and day dreams, sleepless nights and sleepy days, getting lost and being found, running away and coming back home, living life and dying inside, silence and noise, making friends and loosing friends, fitting in and standing out, forgetting and remembering, accepting and denying,
eyes wide open and eyes shut close, skins and freckles and gold and beauty.

म १७ बर्ष भएको ३६५ दिन चाडै सकिदै छन।
म ठुलो हुनको लागि तयार छैन।
(I AM NOT READY TO GROW UP JUST YET.)

god that was strange to see you again...

(what's more strange is that i come across songs for every story i have to say and every feeling i need to express and what's less strange is that you are not going to understand this. the one who is meant to do so, will.)

i thought i was ready. i had prepared myself well for i knew i would see you again. i don't know why but i had a feeling and i was right, but then, i was wrong. i don't know my own weaknesses and strengths i am still yet to discover. i thought the chapter had ended and there was nothing more to follow, but then again, i was wrong. it felt weird, god it felt strange. like i was seeing you for the very first time again, like it was the last time i would ever see you, but not quite, there were questions left unanswered and hushed voices and stories untold.

i needed to be near you, i needed to hear your voice and i needed you to say something to me. smiles are for people you think you know, but you don't, and smiles are for those you want to ignore and not have to speak to, smiles are for those you care but smiles are also for those you forget, and not remember again. therefore, i needed to talk to you, because your smile meant a lot of things to me and so i don't smile back, and so i keep looking, and so i keep hoping to catch you looking at me again, not for just a quarter of a second, but more than that and so you did, and so i came to talk to you.

it wasn't how i had planned it to be like. i had gone through this a number of times in my head. say something clever, say something unusual, anything but a hello, anything but 'sanchai chau?' and my mind was blank. words i thought i knew weren't there anymore and instead there was emptiness and everything was a blur and i fought to grasp just one from inside the blackhole swirling in my mind, and after all i did end up saying 'sanchai chau?'

i had things to say to you, things to hear from you. stories to tell and memories to relive but i was afraid, and i didn't want to take too much of your time and yet i did. i was happy, but i wasn't, content but not completely. i wish i had said more, or heard more from you. i wish i wasn't angry or jealous and i wish i was a tad bit more cheerful and tad less distracted. if you know me well i was only trying to seem like i was unaffected by you, but i wasn't and i knew even though i hadn't seen you or heard from you for a very long time, i would never cease to be amazed by you, but not in the same way like i used to be, because this time i knew my place and i knew yours far too well. i guess i was only just happy to see you again, i wish i would have shown it to you but my ego wouldn't let me.

i can't remember the things i didn't want to forget. i can't remember the songs i was going to sing for you, or the pictures i would take of you but i do remember that i don't want us to become strangers. i won't see you or talk to you for a very long time, and i will have forgetten the things you said, or the promises i made. i will change and so will you and i guess both of our memories will get distorted and the times we spent together will sink to the bottom of the endless oceans within our minds. but if we meet again someday, lets sit down and lets talk. lets share stories of the people in our lives and the happiness we will have found with them. lets talk about our dreams and lets count the ones that we've made come true and the ones we are yet to turn into reality and the ones we are yet to dream of. lets take pictures, lets take happy pictures, of silly faces, awkward smiles, of times we forgot and times we still remember, lets take pictures of us and lets hope that thats how we remember eachother, if heaven forbids we never meet again.  

(but i know we will, sooner or later, so remember your stories and i'll remember mine. let me hear your thoughts and i'll let you in on my secrets. let me know that you've been good and i'll tell you of the mischiefs i've been part of. lets live our lives, lets make stories, lets fall in love, until we meet again my dear.)