a letter from me to me, a letter from me to you

there are certain things in my life that i would like if i had more control over but i don't and its all been a blur for the past few days and my mind has been spinning wildly and my heart has been restless, and its been skipping beats more than once and twice, especially so in the last few months, and even more so in the last few days. but for different reasons that i find very hard to put in words.

since the last three months or so, i have never been as happy as i have been in my entire life and i may not necessarily show it in the most conventional way and those who know me in real life probably don't see the difference anyway as i feel like i am always in a mood of constant euphoria and if you hear me say 'oh what a wonderful day today!' at the top of my lungs, it'll just be how i am normally. but what even those closest to me don't know is as much happiness i feel, i feel the same amount of sadness too, and i don't really show it mainly because i don't know how to and i am always so restless and i get distracted so easily and most times i dont understand why i'm sad or upset or what made me so and i forget and my face is a blank canvas and to me a smile is so much more beautiful than a frown, and i let myself be my own art and i become happy but it doesn't go away and i feel like i am only happy to hide that i am sad and i have been trying to understand myself for quite a while now and to some extent i feel i have, in light of recent events in my life.

you know there are those things that happen when you least expect, and something clicks in your brain, pieces fit together and in that moment, you understand, you realise, a seed of a thought, that maybe was always there but you never acknowledged it, and when its seen in the right light, from the right perspective, and you nurture it with acceptance and stop denying it within yourself, that thought becomes so much more, and what you do with it defines who you are. 

all my life i've felt like if there's anything or anyone i know well, its me. but for the last two years of my life, i had never felt more lost. i was a stranger in my own body, a stowaway in my own mind. all this time i'd been seeing myself how others would see me, what they wanted to see me as and how i would want to be seen as well. i fooled myself and i fell for it, but i was brought to my senses and it was like waking up from a very deep sleep, and i stopped trying to see, and i closed my eyes and i fell in love with eyes closed shut but i could still see and it was different and i was looking through someone else's eyes, and all the colours started to look so much more brighter, the skies were always the deepest blue and even the grey clouds could not hide away the sun for long, at least not in this new mind. and it was alien but i felt like i belonged, and happiness was a hundred times happier and i dreamt bigger than i could have ever dreamt of dreaming, and i sang songs i didn't even know i could sing. but the sadness was still there, not as much and as often as it used to be, but it was there and i could not understand why i felt sad and what i was sad about when i was so happy.

i saw life in a way i'd never seen before and i have seen the world with such beauty that i wish i could take a million pictures of how i saw it in my mind and you would not say a single word and all you could do is marvel at the sheer beauty of the miracle, this world we live in.

but for the past few days, the world never seemed uglier and i was so familiar with this, i had lived this way all my life and i knew this place far too well and i was trapped in it for so long that i thought that this was the only world. and i could no longer see from my lover's eyes and i felt like an alien when i was back in my own mind. all this time i was looking for myself and all this time i found myself in someone else's eyes but those eyes closed on me and when i couldn't see myself anymore, i got myself back but i couldn't recognise myself and i got scared and i was afraid of what i had become and how the sky didn't seem so blue anymore and like a wilted flower, i couldn't smile no matter how hard i tried. 

i realise now, that the reason i felt sad all along was because my happiness didnt come from myself, i always needed someone or something else to be my reason. i was scared to look for it in myself that i never tried. i never believed that i had it in me, but now i know better. and i do have it in me. and i am still sad but its a different kind of sadness and i have learnt to accept it, and i don't mind how i feel right now. i am happy and content with myself, atleast i think i am, and thats what matters to me. i have lost the piece i found that made me complete, that made sense to me but you know its fine, i'm fine. i understand i don't need to be 'complete' to be happy. i am still trying to gather pieces of me, and although i know there's a chunk of me missing and i may never get it back from the person i gave it to but i know its in safe hands and thats good enough for me. so here i am, and here's my story.

i've told you everything without saying anything at all. i have nothing to hide. i am happy and sad, high and low and i don't know whether to smile and laugh or break down and cry because i see these waves coming at me and we are drifting like islands, and gravity is shifting and its causing havoc in my mind and everything is either upside down or tilted sideways and i dont know where these waves are taking me but i know who i'll be when the sea becomes silent again and if i can't have the sun, i've still got the moon and the stars to see at night, and darkness isn't all that bad and no matter how wrong or deluded i maybe, being a misfitted puzzle piece and a floating island never felt more awesome!

i thank you for letting me see what you saw. i thank you for letting yourself see what i saw.

i've taken my rose tinted glasses off. and i thank myself for finally letting it happen, for finally saying and really believing that even though the sky isn't the deepest blue anymore, its still blue. the grass is less greener and i've forgotten the words to the songs i learnt but it only means that the grass needs more water and sunshine and i can always learn a different song thats as beautiful as anything ever could be.

 dear you, this is a picture of me. remember me. dear me, this is a picture of me. don't forget me.

ps: your song will always be yours and no one will ever take it.